The life of Artificial.

You know things are awesome when:

200 resumes come in for a $15/hr job in two days and the majority of them have a BA or BS.

I'm going to joyfully return to getting a page to look right in IE6.

An earthquake hit the southern California area today. It registered a 5.8 out in Chino Hills. The earthquake was rolling and smooth on the second floor of our Office building. Coworkers were either under desks or in doorways. The expression on peoples faces was priceless. People looked like rabbits poking out of their holes - looking around wide eyed.

Our CFO was calm and during the rolling went into the conference room and held the wall mounted plasma saying "Relax, it's just an earthquake. Everyone back to work."

At the beginning of the earthquake people were going down the stairs. The stomping of feet down the metal stairs as panic set in and girlish shrieks from male office workers fleeing in terror.

Liz was outside near a grass field that is in the lot next to our building. She had me go into the office to grab her purse and cellphone (since she wanted to go to lunch). One of our designers from Arizona experienced his first earthquake today.

The best quote from lunch is "It's not like Jesus just came back 15 minutes ago."

Has left the building.

A coworker of mine was put into a hard position regarding an email. I'm not exactly sure where I stand on this one. But it's not my call.

Dave: "These people are insane. Give me a gun and let me shoot myself. They said they had a few suggestions and that they would itemize them. I get a 3 page document with items A-V and paragraphs mixed in between.

"You've heard of 5 star people? Where they want 5 star everything and still complain? These people are it. They could be fed grapes and have a person fanning them and they still would say 'This isn't what I had in mind.'"

Internet is Serious Business.

Liz was hit with one of the doors in the stair well when we were walking outside on a break. The expression on her face was priceless. I laughed so hard.

I am so evil.

Nothing like seeing someone get a bj in their car in a shopping center parking lot.

I think the work day needs more bjs...

From one of our recent hires in Billing:

Sean: "You bullshitted me about the job description when you hired me..."

He has put in his two weeks. Basically the position was touted as an accountant and the majority of the work is contract data entry.

Do not leave your resume salary history on the printer.

May the psycho set you free!

This day couldn't be any longer.

Has given his two week notice. I figured him for a lifer too. Best of luck to ya.

In other news one of the girls in support inherited a computer that once belonged to Daniel. Daniel's computer had the host file edited by myself so that when anyone typed in "google.com" (no www) it would go to bottleguy.com. Well he always typed in the full URL or accessed it via bookmark. Fast forward a year and a half and Haelie now uses that computer. She flagged down one of the other guys "I don't want to go to google anymore! Look what happens!". I had both of the Steves at my desk a bit later laughing about it and I told the tale.

This is the same girl that they had convinced windows had .dildo files (instead of .dll).

If you want to torture coworkers simply eat McDonald's or Steak Escape. Concentrated evil.

I still have yet to complete a Delphi (LOL) program that randomly disables vowel keys on keyboard for part of a second. Why part of a second? So the user will mash the key again and see that nothing is wrong - excellent for the computer challenged. I can envision the pleas...

Victim: "...but I press it and it doesn't appear sometimes!"
Helper: "well it seems to be working now"
Helper thinks that person is retarded.

It's bulletproof.

*The bulletproof reference was used by Dave to describe the effort put into making sure a template displays correctly in multiple browsers. Fuck it's in my head now... that and talking like Marvin Martian with words that sound like "modulator". The example that I repeated today "Perhaps you should use a CSS Validator~" *shakes head*

Apparently Rand was let go Friday - key and other info was turned in Monday or Tuesday morning. The email addresses that he was responsible for forwarding have been taken over by Sean in Tech support.

Chewbacca has turned in his resignation today.

Han: "NO NO NO! This one goes THERE and that one goes THERE!"
Chewbacca: RRRAAAURRGH!

Liz suggested that C3PO is Sam and R2 is Steve. To this day I hear Jeremy saying "Artoo, That way!".

Dave (to Liz): "So have you ever fucked him in the ass with your chin?"

Great news for the recently escaped. Another has joined the ranks of a popular gaming company. The news is welcome after weeks of waiting. True to his word he did cartwheels in the office. How cool is that?

I am very happy for the guy. The company alone is a dream job, even better is how good it looks on a resume. Maybe I should setup a paypal donation button for buying people beers... nah. That is too 2003.

Mr. Reed has left the building. He was shocked. But not more than I when I bumped into him on the way out. "You and Brian were alright".

This is the result of several years of mindlessly transferring calls into voice mail. The recent turn of events is due to a client calling in reporting she had been hung up on sixteen times. The ACD system was used to determine when the transfers were happening, and the calculations were based on the idle times between calls (which averages 20 seconds).

This is probably the only time I was glad there were locks on the doors. There is nothing like joking about the office being shot up and what course of action one should take.

BH says:
hey can you do me a favor....sean was asking me about a gay peg image could you please oblige. Thanks
ME says:
hosting one?
BH says:
instead of jpeg he said gay peg

Amazing.

Ludwig left the company Friday. Shannon leaves this Friday. I wonder who is next? Place your bets! Ich habe Zweifel über die Zukunft des Firma.

Shannon wore a frock and smells of feet.

Nothing like new hires making more than you.

Come see how the sociopathic owners reign over this place with an iron fist and the "good people" are cowed into apathy by materialism.

Apparently Ian spoke with a client who didn't like an error message generated by the v5 engine.

"You have encountered an error. The error won. :)"

Yesterday I brought in RIFTS novels for Jeremy to borrow (since he's cool like that and he has an interest in such things) and I said "Please don't turn the edges of the [paperback] books into curls like elf shoes." I think there was disbelief on both our parts. He didn't believe how anal I was, and I thought he was joking with the way he reads. Which based on his example posturing is one handed, upside down, ninja reading. But it doesn't stop there, there is spine breaking, cover curling, power spread grip oh my god get your own type shiz.

Have you seen the books that you get second hand that looks like they were owned by Emperor Nero and ritually abused by lions and strong men/praetorians? A demonstration by Jeremy made the book pop and I suddenly feared for my books safety.

I ended up letting him have the book and consoling myself with an order off of Palladium website.

Steve discovered Boddington's today.

"Pig bottom, because she has the lower half of a piggy."
Something about heavy walking for the new girl* in billing. Reminiscent of a Clydesdale passing by.

Mo has left the building. Good luck pal.

We have fresh meat by the name of Hailee and Shawn. Shawn looks like Cameron from Farris Buller's Day Off. Awhile back it was Paula and Jamie. Jamie decided to bail while we were out at lunch. Perhaps it was for the better? Jamie's mouth reminded me of a cross between Gumby and celebrity death match.